I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right.
Some people are like clouds – when they disappear, it’s a beautiful day.
Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone.
I find television very educational. Every time someone turns it on, I go in the other room and read a book.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Age is merely the number of years the world has been enjoying you.
The problem with political jokes is they get elected.
Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.
The only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about.
I didn’t fail the test. I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.
Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow just as well.
I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it.
The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
My wife and I were happy for twenty years—then we met.
A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.
— Bob Hope
I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
Life’s hard. After all, it kills you.
I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.
I have learned from my mistakes, and I am sure I can repeat them exactly.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.
The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made.
If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.
Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.
I can resist everything except temptation.
Why don’t you slip into something more comfortable – like a coma.
Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the beginning, all you need is two hearts and a diamond. By the end, you wish you had a club and a spade.
Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?
Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that, who cares? He’s a mile away, and you’ve got his shoes.
Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.
You know you’re getting old when you bend down to tie your shoes and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
Change is not a four-letter word, but often your reaction to it is.
All men are equal before fish.
I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying.
The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.
If you want your children to listen, try talking softly to someone else.
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.
I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right.
I am an early bird and a night owl... so I am wise and I have worms.
Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong.
People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
I dream of a better tomorrow, where chickens can cross the road and not be questioned about their motives.
Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition.
If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.
A day without laughter is a day wasted.
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence in society.
Why is there so much month left at the end of the money?
Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?
I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.
It’s amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.
I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.
The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he’s a baby.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don’t know the answer.
I live in my own little world. But it’s OK, they know me here.
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.
The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs, one step at a time.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Money can't buy you happiness, but it can buy you a yacht big enough to pull up right alongside it.
By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he's wrong.
I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.
Just because nobody complains doesn’t mean all parachutes are perfect.
I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already.
Opportunity does not knock, it presents itself when you beat down the door.
I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
It could be that your purpose in life is only to serve as a warning to others.
I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.
The best way to lie is to tell the truth... carefully edited truth.
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
Life is too short to be serious all the time. So, if you can’t laugh at yourself, call me—I’ll laugh at you.
My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I was supposed to do.
Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth.
To err is human; to blame it on someone else shows management potential.
I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.
Wine improves with age. The older I get, the better I like it.
All generalizations are false, including this one.
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t know where to shop.
Doing nothing is hard, you never know when you're done.
My mother told me I could be anybody I wanted to be. So I became somebody else.
Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I’m not sure about the universe.
I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.
If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.
The four most beautiful words in our common language: I told you so.
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking spaces.
Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it.
Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.